Your Thoughts Exactly

Let’s say in a fantasy world, I was in some situation where a company gave me a check every two weeks, which was directly deposited into my bank account. Let’s also say that said company also gave me a certain amount of days per year where I was paid yet did not have to show up at work. They would call this “vacation.” If I was in this outrageous situation, I would take a week off and head to Jamaica for the world’s second greatest international sporting event, the Cricket World Cup.

This event getting no play in the United States because our team sucks, even though almost half the world’s population has a deep rooting interest in one team or another. The games won’t even be shown on any cable channel; you are going to have to spring for a dish package. Anyways I am here to give you a quick intro.

THE FORMAT: 16 teams make the World Cup, split into 4 groups of 4 in the first round. Of these teams, 6 (Kenya, Canada, Bermuda, Scotland, Ireland, and the Netherlands) are what are called “minnows.” They do not have ICC test status, (meaning they participate in the multi-year rotation of Tests,) because their teams aren’t good enough. They have no chance of winning. The top two teams from each group go into the next round, the Super 8s, a second round-robin. The top 4 teams go into the semi-finals.

All games are played under the One-Day International (ODI) format. Each team gets 50 overs to bat. (An over equals six balls bowled, from alternating ends…the same bowler cannot bowl two overs in a row.) You try and score as many runs as possible in this time; if your whole lineup gets out, then you don’t get to fulfill your 50 overs.

THE TEAMS: What will follow is a capsule preview of each of the ten test nations participating in the World Cup, for your enjoyment.

AUSTRALIA

Population: 20 million

Best Result: Champion (1987, 1999, 2003)

Top Exports: Babes, Kangaroo meat, meatheads.

Why you should root for them: Australians are some of the friendliest most relaxed people in the world. They have an absolutely beautiful country that everyone should visit. They have stupidly stood by the U.S. in the War on Terror. Plus their country will be out of water in 20 years, and they could be potentially invaded by Indonesia at any moment. They need a lot of championships to build up their confidence.

Why you should root against them: They are the greatest dynasty in sports right now. In addition to winning the last two world cups, they have been by far the best test nation in the last decade (think Roger Federer/Tiger Woods domination,) which has led to the usual amount of arrogance and entitlement among their fans. Plus their fans are prone to making racist comments towards the opposition.

Three players to watch: Ricky Ponting, the captain and the best batsman in the world. Andrew Symonds, an all-rounder (batsman, fielder, and bowler) who excels at the one day game and is trying to make it back from injury. Glenn McGrath, fast bowler who is retiring after the World Cup and one of the two most important players to Australia’s long-term success.

BANGLADESH

Population: 147 million

Best Result: First Round

Top Exports: People, Despair

Why you should root for them: The newest team to achieve test status, Bangladesh has had to fight for respect ever since, with players from countries like Australia and England sneering at them that they don’t belong. Add on top of that they are one of the poorest countries in the world, and their government was recently ousted by a military coup that promises elections “in the near future.” Oh yea their country will be under water in the next thirty years, so they may not get too many more chances to enter a team in the tourney.

Why you should root against them: I don’t know, maybe if you haven’t killed enough puppies in the last few months and are looking to take your psychotic aggression out through sports.

Three players to watch: That one guy, I think he is a bowler. And that one batsman. Ok I don’t know that much about their team.

ENGLAND

Population: 50 million

Best Result: Runner-Up (1992, 1987)

Top Exports: Chemicals, boats, hooligans

Why you should root for them: God damn did England had it made back in the 19^th Century; they had colonial dominion over every country in the World Cup! (except The Netherlands.) They invented cricket and spread it to their colonies, bringing joy to billions of people the world over. Now they have been surpassed by most of their former colonies in all the sports they exported, and have to deal with everyone rubbing it in their face every time they beat them.

Why you should root against them: Somehow I think beating a national side in cricket, rugby, or soccer doesn’t make up for two centuries of enslavement and exploitation. But that’s just me.

Three players to watch: Andrew Flintoff, their all-rounder who led them to victory in the 2005 Ashes and was anointed the next great English cricketer only to suck ever since. Kevin Pietersen, who is actually South African but stabbed them in the back. Monty Panesar, who is a Sikh bowler who rocks the turban at all times.

INDIA

Population: 1 billion

Best Result: Champion (1983)

Top Exports: India takes, it doesn’t give

Why you should root for them: With one billion people in a country that is obsessed with cricket, a victory would ensure the most happiness among the world’s people. Also India deserves some reward for putting together a Democratic country with at least thirty different languages, more ethnicities, and multiple populations of major religions. It’s a great fuck you to China’s claims that they are too big for traditional Democracy.

Why you should root against them: India uses its population and money to bully other cricket nations into accepting their terms for various events, the same way that a large corporation would use its weight to set the rules of the industry. Not very nice if you ask me.

Three players to watch: Sachin Tendulkar, one of the greatest batsman in history who is probably playing in his last world cup. Sourav Ganguly, who was kicked off the team as captain two years ago and has made a remarkable comeback into favour. Sreesanth, just because his name is Sreesanth.

NEW ZEALAND

Population: 4 million

Best Result: Semifinals (4 times, last ’99)

Top Exports: Sheep, Xtreme Sports, hobbits

Why you should root for them: 4 million people! That’s smaller than the Metro Boston area. They have no business winning any international competition of any kind. Plus they have to spend their entire lives playing little brother to a country (Australia) renowned for playing little brother to everyone else.

Why you should root against them: While New Zealanders are known to be a friendly, peace-loving people, they can’t hide the fact that they are crackers.

Three players to Watch: Shane Bond and Daniel Vettori, their two world class bowlers who could make New Zealand a dangerous team. Stephen Fleming, their long-serving captain who could be over the hill.

PAKISTAN

Population: 168 million

Best Result: Champions (1992)

Top Exports: Terrorists, Amina K. Majeed

Why you should root for them: They are bordered by one of the world’s most unstable countries (Afghanistan,) the site of the next major world conflict run by a borderline lunatic, (Iran) their traditional enemy, who has nuclear weapons and 7 times as many people (India,) and the world’s next superpower (China.) Oh and their entire Northwest quarter is controlled by violent tribes making it a haven for all sorts of illegal activity. Think the people need a distraction?

Why you should root against them: Their team is bunch of whiny prima donnas, led by their captain Inzamam Ul-Haq who also is blessed to share the Cecil Fielder body type. The national cricket board changed the rules to let back two bowlers who failed drug tests (Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammed Asif.)

Three Players to watch: Mohammed Yousuf, who converted to Islam over a year ago and was rewarded by Allah who granted him the ability to set the single season record for test runs scored in 2006. Asif, who barring injury and drug appeals, is their best bowler. Kamran Akmal, their young wicketkeeper who can win a game with his bat and lose one with his shaky field play.

SOUTH AFRICA

Population: 47 million

Best Result: Semi-finals (’99)

Top Exports: Ostrich meat, auto parts, window sills, crafts, HIV

Why you should root for them: South Africans are the nicest people in the world and have come a LONG way in a short period of time. They were banned from international competition during the apartheid years. Their people deserve a reward for the progress. Africa needs a country to step up and be their representative in the world and South Africa can be that country; an international championship would go some way in building confidence.

Why you should root against them: If you yearn for the good old days of White Man’s Burden and Manifest Destiny.

Three players To watch: Graeme Smith, who became captain at 21 and is one of the game’s rising young stars. Makhaya Ntini, the best fast bowler in the world. Shaun Pollock, one of the world’s best all-rounders playing in his final World Cup.

SRI LANKA

Population: 20 million

Best Result: Champions (’96)

Top Exports: M.I.A., textiles

Why you should root for them: Sri Lankans may have the coolest names of anyone on the planet. (Sample from the 2007 roster: Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.) Their country suffered through the Boxing Day Tsunami in 2004. They are the classic underdog team of the sub-continent with fewer resources than their bigger neighbors, yet are arguably the most successful team of the bunch.

Why you should root against them: There was this really hot Sri Lankan girl I met in Germany and she flirted with me for like an hour and a half before telling me she had a boyfriend.

Three players to watch: Kumar Sangakarra, the world’s best wicketkeeper. Muttiah Muralitharan, the best Sri Lankan player in history, and probably the world’s most controversial, (depending on which side you take, he either is the victim of white man’s persecution or they changed the rules to make his arm action legal.) Sanath Jayasuria, the hero of Sri Lanka’s surprise 1996 run making his last stand after being booted from the team a year ago.

WEST INDIES

Population: The “Windies,” are not a country per say, rather a collection of former British colonies that love cricket and have a co-op team.

Best Result: Champions (’75 and ’79)

Top Exports: See above

Why you should root for them: They are the hosts! And, as when any developing nation hosts a worldwide event, the rich nations are complaining about how everything is not up to their normal standards. Waa Waa. Plus the Windies are the traditional glamour squad of cricket that has fallen on hard times and is looking to re-establish dominance.

Why you should root against them: Because I am in Chicago and its twenty-five degrees out.

Three players to watch: Brian Lara, Brian Lara, Brian Lara. The West Indies’ one great player that provides a link to their glory days, and one of the finest batsman ever gives it a last hurrah. Going out with a World Cup victory at home would cement him as a cricket legend; he will be the story of the tournament.

ZIMBABWE

Population: 33 million

Best Result: Quarterfinals

Top Exports: Former White Land Barons

Why you should root for them: Well you shouldn’t.

Why you root against them: Their cricket team is a political entity controlled by their dictator/president 4 life Robert Mugabe’s cronies. Many of the best Zimbabwe players have left the team and fled the country in protest of their government. Mugabe continues in power despite destroying the potential for one of Africa’s former rising stars.

Three players to watch: Zimbabwe doesn’t need us to watch them. It needs our TLC.

My prediction for the World Cup is as follows. Seven of the eight expected teams get through group play, Australia, India, Pakistan, West Indies, South Africa Sri Lanka, and New Zealand. England, whose one-day record is abysmal despite beating Australia in the CB series, loses out to minnow Kenya. At least two arrests of players are made during this time, one drug-related, one sex-related. At least one player gets kicked off of Pakistan’s team. At least one team pulls their team from the field during a match citing unsafe conditions. At least one complaint is lodged about racist Australian fans.

The Super 8s produce the following semi-finals: Sri Lanka v. Australia and West Indies v. South Africa. Sri Lanka upsets Australia who have been barely staying alive all tournament. South Africa ends Lara’s dream of a World Cup on home soil, but he gets man of the tournament as a parting gift. South Africa wins the World Cup cementing their status as the new team to beat, at least on the One-Day side with Shaun Pollock taking MoM honors.

Should be fun. If you want to follow the games or the tournament, check out www.cricinfo.com one of the best run, cleanest sports sites out there. Till then, Play Ball!