Your Thoughts Exactly

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have for you a Your Thoughts Exactly exclusive that explains everything from 2003 onward and validates the previously nonsensical neo-conservative foreign policy. What we did not know is that Messrs. Rumsfield, Rice, and Wolfowitz were privy to secret information about the nature of the threat emanating out of the Middle East that, unbeknownst to the general population, threatened the very existence of the Untied States, the West, and sweet Freedom herself. I am talking, of course, about WMDs.

The genius of the Bush Administration is that they were able to hint at the true threat the whole time while throwing Congress, several foreign nations, and the majority of the press and the public off the trail. They all had us convinced that Saddam was secretly hiding and building Weapons of Mass Destruction. This was the primary justification given for invading Iraq (at least publicly,) in 2002-3, one that has been disproved as either the worst intelligence gaffe in US history, or an outright planned lie. When press members mention the subsequent lack of WMDs to current administration officials, like say Dick Cheney, they get flustered and try and make up other reasons for the invasion in their efforts to hide the real truth from us. For example, in an interview with Wolf Blitzer this week, VP Cheney rationalized invading Iraq on the basis of the fact that if we had left Saddam in power, he would currently be involved in a nuclear arms race with Iran’s President Mahmoud Amhadinejad as they are bitter enemies.

Now in response to this assertion, one could say something like “gee Dick, Saddam had no access to highly enriched uranium in ’03, you really think that would he would have been able to get some so quickly when he was an international pariah?” Or alternatively “Wow Dick, you mean the U.S. knew in 2003 that Ahmadinejad would get elected in 2005, so you used your supreme knowledge of the future to invade Iraq to stop a nuclear arms race? You guys are fucking geniuses!” Of course, Supreme knowledge of the future flies in the face of logic and rationality. But as YTE has recently discovered, there is nothing rational about what is going on in the world today, and the grave threat that every human being now faces.

You see, a drunken Saddam let loose a slip of the tongue about his plan to secret US ally Kim Jong Il, the Bush Administration has known the real meaning behind WMDs. What those of us in the know, like a certain Taylor James Peterson, have long feared: War-Mongering Monkey Dolphins.

You see, ever since the dawn of man, over seven thousand years ago, we have been able to dominate nature in every way possible, from domesticating the horse and dog to controlling the weather. (You think Katrina was an accident?) Yet there always existed the potential for two animals to team up through mating to form some sort of super-hybrid capable of dethroning man from his rightful perch as supreme guardian of of Earth. Monkeys and Dolphins have long been seen by political scientists as two of the largest threats (along with peacocks.) Monkey-Dolphin hybrids combine the prehensile tales and opposable thumbs of primates with the large brains, superior vision, and echolocation ability of dolphins. Thankfully, with one confined to the Oceans, and the other to the Jungles, monkeys and dolphins never got the chance to procreate, except for in extremely rare cases when a monkey would grab a dolphin out of the water, rape it, and throw it back in. The only possible opportunity for such a threat to emerge was from a human backed cross-breeding program.

Enter Saddam Hussein. An avid physical anthropologist with an interest in marine biology before his secondary career as a Ba’athist Party strongman/psychopath, the former dictator knew that the only way to stave off eventual overthrow and seizure of his oil by the U.S. was to gain a strategic advantage through the development new military technology that would raise the cost of invasion beyond what the U.S. would be willing to accept. With acquiring nuclear weapons out of the picture, Saddam, turned to the simpler and more cost-effective solution of cross-breeding.

What is the real danger posed by Monkey-Dolphins and why did the U.S. feel the need to intervene before Saddam unleashed these creatures on the U.S. and its allies?

First, it’s important to note that Saddam had proven that he would use WMDs before, on his own people, the Kurds, the Iranians. While the rest of the world has shown remarkable restraint, avoiding unleashing the terror of nuclear or biological weapons (standard WWII and Vietnam exceptions apply,) in the hands of a lunatic like Hussein, Monkey-Dolphins in all their poop-throwing, blow-hole fucking madness could be used to wreak havoc on Hussein’s enemies from Tehran to Tel Aviv. Plus with their aquatic capabilities, Monkey-Dolphins could be used to strike the fair shores of the US of A. In a matter of seconds, Hawaii, or worse, an entire coastline could be overrun by these genetic super-beings.

Second, we need to look at the potentiality of WMDs in the post 9/11 world. Thus far in the 21^st Century, we have moved away from state on state conflict; terms like asymmetric warfare, or transnational conflict have entered the general lexicon of international studies. Globalization and loose borders have made it easier for information and contraband to get between insurgent groups. The sheer power of weaponry in this day and age means that in the hands of a few sick-minded heathen jihadist freaks, one monkey-dolphin would be one too many.

Third, what of the unspoken possibility that brings about everyone’s worst nightmare?
We do not know what level of control any human being will be able to maintain over any Monkey-Dolphin hybrid. Assuming that the intelligence levels of the Monkey-Dolphins fall somewhere between the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica and Sloth from The Goonies, we could be looking at a race of people with the exact same mental capabilities as us. Perhaps even greater.

As history has proven, subjugating people with free will can be difficult at times, although by no means impossible. And continuing to do so is proving more and more difficult, taking more and more out of us. Look at the relative area of control the West had in 1900: major empires controlling swaths of land. Complete control of resources.

Nowadays? Sure we have economic clout and military dominance. But the gap is closing all the time between us and the rest of the world. It’s a struggle just to keep our heads above water, in our rightful place as leaders of the world. And the last thing we need is people getting their hands on some military technology that will make it more difficult to tell them what to do.

Moreover, the Monkey-Dolphins themselves pose a huge threat to us. Who knows what kind of culture or ideas they could spread in an area of the world that seems fed up with the West and capitalism. Plus their superior diving skills would make adept at exploring for underwater oil deposits. Also, as (both) their habitats would likely be threatened by climate change, they would not look too kindly on the U.S. for their refusal to sign the Kyoto protocol.

With a full understanding of the threat posed, Your Thoughts Exactly hereby retracts all past statements degrading the Iraq War as dumb, ill-planned, irresponsible, evil, moronic, or illegal. We hereby re-affirm our complete faith in our executive branch. We will return to burying our heads in the sand, and leave the tough decisions in your extremely capable hands.

# posted by Marmaniac @ 12:15 PM