Your Thoughts Exactly

Dave is right, what’s with all the your thoughts exactly seriousness? Especially when it’s opening day and the Red Sox are on ESPN2. Here are my thoughts on the proceedings. (Note: This is when I wish Bill Simmons was, say, a Brewers fan, since he of course wrote on the exact same subject, I read his article before writing this one, and now I am worried that I will sub-consciously be biting off him stylistically. Wait a minute. A long meandering tangent in parentheses? Asking myself questions? I am biting off him!)

Thought 1: I will miss Johnny Damon and I think people branding him a traitor are fools. He will probably suck for the Yankees by year two, which means they will be grossly overpaying him, to hit .270, allow David Ortiz to score from first on a single, and bring up memories of the time he hit a grand slam in Yankee Stadium to complete the greatest comeback of all time. Plus we have replaced him with Coco Crisp, who is named Coco Crisp, and therefore already my third favorite player on the team (can you guess the first two?)

Thought 2: I remember when I used to be such a bitter fan up until, say two years ago. It’s much nicer having such a stress-free attitude about sports. Now if only I could translate this emotional outlook to sex and employment.

Thought 3: The Ortiz/Manny combo looks primed for more domination. Manny’s hair is sufficiently disgusting to distract me from worrying about whether or not he will be traded. Ortiz just sits there ready to mash, knowing that pitchers have to challenge him due to his Hall-of-Fame protection. It’s glorious to watch.

Thought 4: Curt Schilling looked excellent: not Cy-worthy but hopefully something like 18-7. I’m keeping my fingers crossed

Thought 5: Keith Foulke looked like the Red Sox medical staff needs to come up with a fake injury for him. Good thing I drafted Jon Papelbon.

Thought 6: The Reds will not be winning the NL Central

Thought 7: A-Rod closes his eyes when he swings. Does this surprise anyone else? I always tried to look at the ball until the absolute last second. Yet on A-Rod’s grand slam yesterday, he closed his eyes in the middle of his swing. I don’t think Edgar Martinez would approve

Thought 8: Baseball announcers are far and away the worst group of commentators, at least on the national level. I think that the odds are stacked against them: to get a true feel for a baseball team, you need to watch or listen to the games every day. If you come in for one day a month, you will have no idea who is having his one amazing, or off day, week, or month. This is why most commentators rely on clichés and reputations rather than making new analysis. That and the fact they are a bunch of nimrods.

Why are these people so stupid? They are mostly ex-ballplayers who have played in (and watched,) countless more baseball games than I have, and have been involved through their playing careers, with some of the brightest baseball minds in the business. Is ESPN forcing them to dumb down their commentary for the national audience? Or are they just a bunch of brain-dead jocks?

Probably the latter. But watch Orel Hersheiser this year: he was actually talking strategy and pitching mechanics at a level I had never heard before. See if ESPN forces him to use smaller words and shorter sentences.

Thought 9: Like most things in this world, life would be much better if ESPN just let me choose which ex-ballplayers they brought on for their Baseball Tonight crew and commentating roles. Does anyone think Tino Martinez or Eric Karros will add anything other than standard clichés? Hasn’t anyone shot John Kruk yet? So here are five players ESPN must target

1) Ricky Henderson. No need for comment

2) Manny Ramirez. Will probably be terrible as a commentator, but guaranteed to say at least one random thing per broadcast that scares his play-by-play partner and that I will be quoting for weeks.

3) Greg Maddux. Pitching dork who can drop some serious knowledge

4) David Wells. I find him incredibly annoying, but he will say whatever he wants and probably get fired in two months, while hopefully blasting Bud Selig non-stop.

5) Jose Canseco. See comment 1

Thought 10: The update for all you YTE and Marmaniac fans on the fantasy baseball league! The draft went well for some of us, (me) and not so well for some of us. (Dave and Stu.) Right now I think I am solid on pitching, but in need of some more corner power and speed up the middle. I’m excited for another competitive fantasy sports experience, a ferocious AL East battle, and another Red Sox banner.

# posted by Marmaniac @ 5:36 PM