Your Thoughts Exactly

This post is my explanation for who I believe deserves the Super Bowl, between the Seattle Seahawks and Pittsburgh Steelers. Rather than judge the quality of the respective teams, I am judging the quality of their respective fans. Specifically two men: Taylor James Peterson and David Harris. As always, judgment will be based on only the most relevant categories, and after only the most careful thought and consideration.

Loyalty to their Team: Edge T.J.

Dave is a Seahawks fan, but the sight of Shaun Alexander sneaking into the end zone does not bring Dave to a state of fiery passion in the manner of an Ichiro Suzuki infield single. Even within the realm of football, the Hawks are simply a mistress compared to Dave’s true love, the Washington Huskies. T.J., after whoring himself out to the Ravens as a youth, has shown impressive loyalty and maturity in his later years by remaining faithful to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Innate Sexiness: Edge Dave

While T.J.’s sculpted body, in addition to his exotic mixed background has soiled the panties of many a fair lady, Dave’s combination of extreme jewishness, class, charity, and faux-vulnerability is simply irresistible. Still, everyone is a winner here.

Combined Amount of Rights and Wrongs Transgressed Against Me: Edge Dave

The only category that really matters. They have both been thus far unwilling to share their girlfriends with me, even though Dave and I lived together for a whole freaking year. Uncharacteristically, uncharitable on his part. Dave can commit egregious examples of lameness that affect me negatively for knowing him: For example he once gave Clay Aiken a standing ovation for a performance on American Idol while sitting in our living room. When I met him in college, he was a huge Dave Matthews fan, and watched Ally McBeal.

T.J., on the other hand, has an appreciation for many of the finest things in life. His dedication to Chinese food, specifically General Tso’s Chicken, must be lauded. He introduced me to Mad Dogs an event we can all agree everyone is better for. He also has an impressive creative side, including inventing several delicious sandwiches at Bear’s Den.

But Taylor Peterson is also capable of acts of unspeakable evil. In addition to threatening to leave Anand in the woods, TJ has spent countless hours playing Super Smash Brothers as Marth. All this despite his supposed admiration for Link as the greatest hero in video game history. Shame Taylor. Shame. This is too much of a black mark on TJ’s record for him to overcome.

Basketball Playing Ability: Edge Dave

Both improved greatly over my time at Wash U, and while TJ can run the wing with the best, and has an impressive all-around offensive game, Dave is a better two-way player. This edge is only slight.

Providing moments of Intoxicated Hilarity Ability: A big edge for Mr. Peterson, who is a maestro in this category, not only among my friends, but among all people in the entire world. His college career could be compared to Picasso’s Blue Period in sheer artistic quality: Sleeping in Laura Potts’ bed, the Monkey-Dolphin Incident, Marching in Boca Ben’s bathrobe, for example. Dave just can’t measure up.

Having looked at the relevant categories, I have come to the conclusion that both are deserving of seeing their teams win titles. However a Steelers win would make TJ’s life a little sunnier, while Dave has the eternal source of joy that is living with Stuart to drown his sorrows. Thus, I vote for TJ as more deserving. I will, however, be rooting for the Seahawks.

Judge Marshall has spoken.