Saturday, December 11, 2004
How to entertain yourself on the toliet
My parents always encouraged to me to read as a little mar, and as I was a good boy I lost myself in book after book. Then came puberty. And cable televison. For 8 years I no longer read for leisure, and for six I didn’t even read my school work. No doubt my parents were disappointed, but they waited patiently, knowing I would one day mature to a point in life where I turned to the written word for entertainment over the boob tube.
What they didn’t anticipate was that I would be driven back to books by sheer boredom. In the post-graduation, pathetic, drug-abusive, summer of 2003, I started picking up books again. Probably not the way my parents imagined it, but you take what you can get.
Even in the 8 years of illiteracy however, there was one place of solitude where the power of books held my minimal attention span. The shitter. Away from the stimulus of television, and with no better way to spend the next two to twenty minutes of my time, reading grasped my attention. So here are a list of the top ten things to read on the shitter, for all those who hope to get back into reading some day; or those who are just looking to upgrade their pooping experience.
10) Asterix and Obelix: A Belgium comic book translated into English and full of bad puns…also gives you tons of false historical facts about the Roman empire with which to impress your friends.
9) Harry Potter: Ok so most of my Wash U friends read and love this stuff, and rightly so, thus I figured it was simply a popular trend among college-aged young adults. Imagine my surprise when Harry Potter 3 came out, and I asked people if they wanted to join me in taking in the film, only to be rebuked with peals of laughter and looks of disgust. But wait, I told myself. These are assholes east coast GW kids from Jersey, who think everything revolves around there stinky corner of the globe…surely there are other people like me and my friends. Thus second semester rolls around. In an attempt to impress my cute roommate and find common interests, I ask her if she reads the HP. “Oh yea, I’ve read the first two books to my little sister,” she replies.
Look people, you are all missing out. Get the first book, put it in your bathroom, and read a chapter every time you find yourself there. Trust me.
8) The Far Side: Perfect for the shorter trips.
7) Playboy: Provides the most thoughtful, relevant, commentary on American culture today. And if its having an off month, there are always the naked women to look at.
6) The Onion ad Nauseum: Collections of the archives of the finest satirical paper running today. Good for a quick laugh as well as a reminder of all the stupid shit that’s been in the news over the years.
5) The Fab Five. Seriously do you remember how cool these guys were back in the day? How did they lose to someone as lame as Duke? Anyways this book goes into the ins and outs of one of the classic teams of all time…plus it’s the type of book you can read any three pages at one time and be entertained. In other words, perfect for the toilet.
4) The Newspaper: You can’t ignore the classics. Personally I prefer the sports page and comics page, but if you are a business or leisure person, you can suit your own tastes.
3) Ego Trip’s Big Book of Rap Lists: Responsible for making me explore the world of hip hop music to the extent I have today. Any casual fan of the genre should pick up a copy and keep it in their toilet.
2) Bill James’ Historical Baseball Abstract: In this book, James devises a system for ranking players (the now famous Win Shares), gives a historical background of the game by the decade, and then ranks the top 100 players at every position while providing an anecdote, relevant statistic, or opinion on each player. Let me tell you, nothing improves a pooping experience like coming across a good Kelly Gruber or Lou Whittikar anecdote.
1) Calvin and Hobbes: Go buy this now. Start with The Essential Calvin and Hobbes and work forward from there. They never get old, they will make you a funnier person, and they will increase the bathroom experience to levels you have never imagined. You'll have to force yourself to leave.
What they didn’t anticipate was that I would be driven back to books by sheer boredom. In the post-graduation, pathetic, drug-abusive, summer of 2003, I started picking up books again. Probably not the way my parents imagined it, but you take what you can get.
Even in the 8 years of illiteracy however, there was one place of solitude where the power of books held my minimal attention span. The shitter. Away from the stimulus of television, and with no better way to spend the next two to twenty minutes of my time, reading grasped my attention. So here are a list of the top ten things to read on the shitter, for all those who hope to get back into reading some day; or those who are just looking to upgrade their pooping experience.
10) Asterix and Obelix: A Belgium comic book translated into English and full of bad puns…also gives you tons of false historical facts about the Roman empire with which to impress your friends.
9) Harry Potter: Ok so most of my Wash U friends read and love this stuff, and rightly so, thus I figured it was simply a popular trend among college-aged young adults. Imagine my surprise when Harry Potter 3 came out, and I asked people if they wanted to join me in taking in the film, only to be rebuked with peals of laughter and looks of disgust. But wait, I told myself. These are assholes east coast GW kids from Jersey, who think everything revolves around there stinky corner of the globe…surely there are other people like me and my friends. Thus second semester rolls around. In an attempt to impress my cute roommate and find common interests, I ask her if she reads the HP. “Oh yea, I’ve read the first two books to my little sister,” she replies.
Look people, you are all missing out. Get the first book, put it in your bathroom, and read a chapter every time you find yourself there. Trust me.
8) The Far Side: Perfect for the shorter trips.
7) Playboy: Provides the most thoughtful, relevant, commentary on American culture today. And if its having an off month, there are always the naked women to look at.
6) The Onion ad Nauseum: Collections of the archives of the finest satirical paper running today. Good for a quick laugh as well as a reminder of all the stupid shit that’s been in the news over the years.
5) The Fab Five. Seriously do you remember how cool these guys were back in the day? How did they lose to someone as lame as Duke? Anyways this book goes into the ins and outs of one of the classic teams of all time…plus it’s the type of book you can read any three pages at one time and be entertained. In other words, perfect for the toilet.
4) The Newspaper: You can’t ignore the classics. Personally I prefer the sports page and comics page, but if you are a business or leisure person, you can suit your own tastes.
3) Ego Trip’s Big Book of Rap Lists: Responsible for making me explore the world of hip hop music to the extent I have today. Any casual fan of the genre should pick up a copy and keep it in their toilet.
2) Bill James’ Historical Baseball Abstract: In this book, James devises a system for ranking players (the now famous Win Shares), gives a historical background of the game by the decade, and then ranks the top 100 players at every position while providing an anecdote, relevant statistic, or opinion on each player. Let me tell you, nothing improves a pooping experience like coming across a good Kelly Gruber or Lou Whittikar anecdote.
1) Calvin and Hobbes: Go buy this now. Start with The Essential Calvin and Hobbes and work forward from there. They never get old, they will make you a funnier person, and they will increase the bathroom experience to levels you have never imagined. You'll have to force yourself to leave.
# posted by Marmaniac @ 6:49 PM 
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"Any casual fan of the genre should pick up a copy and keep it in their toilet."
you hate it so much you derive pleasure from shitting on it?
you hate it so much you derive pleasure from shitting on it?
"Calvin and Hobbes...will increase the bathroom experience to levels you have never imagined." Somehow I doubt some little kid and his stuffed tiger could do this. Or maybe you are just a sicko. Or eight years old.
# posted by 
: 8:36 AM
: 8:36 AM
I can't believe you make a reference to me two lines before you start talking about staring at naked women while on the toilet. That's great, baby. Thanks.
# posted by : 8:24 PM
: 8:24 PM
I ran across that book of rap lists and Barnes and Noble. It was a great book, no doubt about it, but I don't think I would have been to read a little of it and then just jet out of the bathroom. I think I seriously stood there in Barnes and Noble and read the whole damn thing, cover to cover. It was that addictive for me.
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