Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Blade: Trinity Review
Sadly, I have now seen Blade I, II, and III in the theater. I knew what to expect: explosions, blood, some contrived plot, a terrible script, Wesley Snipes growling one word phrases. Why did I choose to go see this movie, other than the fact I was high and everything else was sold out? I was hoping Blade Trinity would be a good bad movie.
I knew I was in for a treat of a movie when Triple H showed up in the first scene. That’s right, the Connecticut blueblood played one of the top vampire henchman, although the directors were clearly uncomfortable with letting Triple ad-lib any of his smarmy Degeneration X wit. Instead most of the one-liners went to another casting surprise: Ryan Reynolds, aka Van Wilder, aka, Berg from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Berg was the highlight of the movie, spouting one-liners that caused me to chuckle, giggle, and even guffaw.
Despite the presence of Triple H, Berg, a few freaky looking vamps, and ripping off ever action cliché in the book, Blade Three falls short of good bad movie status. Jessica Biel is partially responsible: while she looks good in tight clothes, I just couldn’t get my head around the girl from 7th Heaven beating up the 7 time WWF world champ. Biel, is too good looking, perfect in every way, without a trace of sexuality in her. Even in with her in kick ass mode, I couldn’t get into it. Snipes was going through the motions, not that the character as written allows him do anything else. The bad guy (Dracula or whatever) was average at best. They should have made him more like Dracula from “Vampires” the movie. Now that guy was scary.
There were some decent new weapons showcased in Blade Three inspiring such thoughts as “Oooooo, that would be good in Quake: The Movie.” As you can see my mind was functioning on a higher plane reserved for the very fortunate. Despite the material being beneath me, or any self-respecting sentient being, I still found Blade Three to be an entertaining experience. Would I recommended it to someone else? Hell no. And if you do find yourself planning on going, make sure you smoke more weed then I did.
2 stars out of 5
I knew I was in for a treat of a movie when Triple H showed up in the first scene. That’s right, the Connecticut blueblood played one of the top vampire henchman, although the directors were clearly uncomfortable with letting Triple ad-lib any of his smarmy Degeneration X wit. Instead most of the one-liners went to another casting surprise: Ryan Reynolds, aka Van Wilder, aka, Berg from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Berg was the highlight of the movie, spouting one-liners that caused me to chuckle, giggle, and even guffaw.
Despite the presence of Triple H, Berg, a few freaky looking vamps, and ripping off ever action cliché in the book, Blade Three falls short of good bad movie status. Jessica Biel is partially responsible: while she looks good in tight clothes, I just couldn’t get my head around the girl from 7th Heaven beating up the 7 time WWF world champ. Biel, is too good looking, perfect in every way, without a trace of sexuality in her. Even in with her in kick ass mode, I couldn’t get into it. Snipes was going through the motions, not that the character as written allows him do anything else. The bad guy (Dracula or whatever) was average at best. They should have made him more like Dracula from “Vampires” the movie. Now that guy was scary.
There were some decent new weapons showcased in Blade Three inspiring such thoughts as “Oooooo, that would be good in Quake: The Movie.” As you can see my mind was functioning on a higher plane reserved for the very fortunate. Despite the material being beneath me, or any self-respecting sentient being, I still found Blade Three to be an entertaining experience. Would I recommended it to someone else? Hell no. And if you do find yourself planning on going, make sure you smoke more weed then I did.
2 stars out of 5
# posted by Marmaniac @ 5:58 AM 
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Wow - the first acurate review of the movie I have seen so far. Knowing that Ryan Reynolds was in the cast I went into the theater wondering how they were going to cast him as an anti-vampire action star. Turns out he was the Xander of the movie, playing his usual sarcastic role, and doing it with more style than everyone else in the film.
- Lee
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- Lee
# posted by 
: 2:19 PM
: 2:19 PM << Home
